It’s a great dilemma how the brain functions sometimes in ways I hardly can control or comprehend. The fears, the paranoia, the things that dwell in the darkest places there, are things that can bring down the strongest soldier, the most astute of thinkers, the scariest monsters. It’s just those places like the great chasms of the deep blue sea that we just can’t reach.
What would we find there? We just don’t know, we’re just too scared or worse yet! Just incapable, physically to go down that far.
So… how can you conquer those things that you can’t see, yet, you know they’re there, chewing at your edges, making you say things, think things, relentlessly stopping you dead in your tracks and crumbling you to pieces.
Ah, and BETTER yet, these things happen when you’ve found your footing. It’s timing is always impeccable, just when you’ve found a window to your happiness, just when you’ve found that piece of good and worthy love, mature and sincere, just when you’ve got yourself on track, just when you’re back on your feet, it hits you. It comes out, claws ready, teeth grinding, eyes wild with fury, ready to destroy what you say or think and ready to make you look like a damned idiot. Why not?
Yes, we can control ourselves, but the damage done, the lurking in the shadows, the things we say out of panic, insecurity, fear, pain, uncertainty, anguish, stress, disbelief, are those nasty things, those that go just too far and once we say or do them, we’re just there in the dark. The heart beats and the head pulses alike. Waiting to be heard, because you don’t want to open you mouth anymore. You don’t want to show your face no more, your expression betrays you. You’re in full beast mode, ready to keep striking when you’ve already wounded the loved ones.
Why is it that, when what we really want is so close to us, and we love it and want it and have it, is it that we fuck up the most? That we seem to push more than pull? That we just test it, probe it to see if it’s gonna stay and endure this monster that’s twisting and crunching everything inside us with such dread?
I like monsters, I mostly embrace it all, the darkness, the gloom, the emotion, the solitude, the melancholy, the fear, the grumpy, the sadness. I have a knack for the crack in the canvas, the tear in our reality, the place where no one wants to go into. I have a fondness for the obscure and the distant. I’m mostly positive, but the gloom is just so delightful.
Happiness is not found, it’s here. I know it’s been in there, but I’ve seen through my life the sick array of ways to make it hide so deep you can’t seem to pull it out. Making some think you can buy it. Making others think it’s in someone else. Making one think it’s a goal, when all along it’s been in here, in the flesh, in the soul, in the mind, in the heart, in my hands.
My battle scars are too deep. They show too often and with those who I love the most and keep closest. I tend to push away when all I really want, is for them to stay. I believe, firmly, that I have no remedy and that even if I try and keep living, eventually, all this existence in me is not apt for anyone to take into their lives. Mind you, ones own life is their own and that’s it. But, when with another, they choose to share. They choose to combine and live their lives hand in hand and all that. So, it’s risky. If one can’t take the handle on their life, how will they take the one of another? It’s risky, it’s just tiring. But there comes along warriors, soldiers of life and love that try their best, give one-hundred and ten percent and go all out and change the face of history forever and the lives of others.
Sometimes, I want to be like this, but then, the creature lurking in those darkest corners of my mind comes creeping up and hugs me so tight and I’m so breathless, that I am withdrawn to the corner.
To conquer one’s self is maybe the hardest battle. Some people will never do this. There are various, so many, many outcomes to this. To conquer fears and to wear scars with pride. To never EVER look pack towards your past IF ONLY to see how far you’ve come, not to dwell on it or create new fears and things with it. To let go of insecurities FOR GOOD. To influence people in the most intense of ways. To RESPECT, to endure, to survive, to want, to accept, to create, to meditate, to breathe, to love so intensely you think you’ll explode, to decide, to embrace the darkness, turn it into knowledge, to relax, to do EVERYTHING you possibly can and learning to fail and to lose and to restart.
To live. It’s so simple yet so complex. I think in truth, this keeps me truly vexed.
The best revenge is massive success.
If your eyes could speak, what would they say?